I gave you reasons not to date a lawyer, let alone marry one; you insisted!!!

The Chinese say that if heaven dropped a ‘date,’ open your mouth and suppose that it shall go well. As a friend, I caution you to pray so hard that the date won’t turn out to be my other friend; the lawyer. They go to school to learn just to be friends; ‘learned friends!’Where on earth is a school to learn to love, or so we pray to love so well and wisely to finally marry?

Take your chances, don’t take insurance and hire your learned friend and you’ll recoup twice the amount. But remember, as you win your suit, you lose your money too…pay the lawyer about 75% of both the ‘investment’ and ‘profits;’ time not refundable. And be careful, before so long your child too will be asking you for damages & compensation (at commercial rate), for spending little time with him/her or being 'absent minded' while with them.

Have you ever been to Nigeria? I want to; one day…though sometimes I get scared of the idea. So I grabbed a Nigerian movie...it depicted a very lovely couple. But ironically, the heroic man (oga they called him) beat his wife with thorns. I expected her to have gotten a lawyer to do the usual thing.

I was wrong! “Now; the marriage begins,” said the Nigerian woman.

I could assure you that lawyers won’t beat you with thorns, and neither would a marriage begin at such a beating. But yes they beat; with words. Words said in camera, words said aloud, implied, withheld, or calculated into never ending adjournments like the ones in Malawi with Madonna; (I guess legal strategy in practice). And how do you know when they don’t seem to say the right words at the right time, or say the wrong ones at the right time? Or do you need to hire another lawyer to interpret what the lawyer friend was trying to say, interesting if it be a love letter. Nevertheless you should know that that’s part of the game. For the learned friend about to get married, just make sure you do not say, “I object,” instead of “I do,” for the wedding judge may not sustain such words.

On your way from Lagos, I should tell you that lawyers are more slippery than a green snake in green grass. Trying to get a grip of them is like trying to hold a living snake in your shopping basket or a lady’s handbag expecting to arrive home together! I am not lying; I am only representing facts as they occur…the sky view of a bird...

Most lawyers (including the ones you know both online and the outside world), hardly speak about their mothers. When they do, it must be about how she forced them to go to law-school. Yet it is a truth, perhaps universally acknowledged that if you want to talk about love and marriage, think about your mother first. The lawyer thinks of how to maximize and prove damages, how to obtain judgment, praying that costs mail fall the other side, decrees, how to play about his opponent’s loopholes, which judge is generous about alimony and how, among others, to execute against die-hard clients. Experience should tell you that good relationships have something to do with mothers…the only people who seem to have functioning hearts compared to their counter-parts (with operational heads).

Well; you might be thinking of one lawyer you know to be good@mothers...or even yourself… But they (or you) may somehow be guilty here; lawyers tend to form clicks in their lifetime. Are you sure you want to come between two or more learned (clicking) friends in the name of love? You’ll sure be a fish between two cats or the mouse that called a cat to defend it against the house mistress. Or even worse, you might become the devil who called himself Virtue after realizing that both his left and right hand side seat-mates were lawyers. One would rob; the other would defend the robber, so Virtue said, “I’ll catch you some other time,” and whew, to-date the two lawyers are still searching for Virtue and the judge just raised his specs.

So we are back to England, and as you insist building a case for dating a lawyer and saying “I do” to one sometime; be very careful because you don’t want to be on your own. A good lawyer (as you think there’s one) makes not only a terrible neighbour, but also a bad predecessor, (that is if he happens to generously pass his/her envied legacies to you) but even worse still, try to be his competitor if you want to know that it is not fair to be fair to your competitor(s). He/she will always make you pay for more than you bargained for...If you don’t believe me, ask the Prime Minister; Mr. Gordon Brown about his predecessor’s legacy and now the R word, or South Africa’s Thabo Mbeki for failing to keep Mandela’s legacy and later his…and even worse, ask McCain if he can recommend any lawyer in town who might be recruiting and he might as well call him, G20-London500staff-closing date-April 2009++. Remember the next day after his arrival had to be fools day…I was personally fooled. Just avoid living in castles built by a lawyer, unless you are one.

Are you still convinced that there’s a good lawyer, good enough to secretly admire, date or even marry? Just so you know; the last time the devil was allegedly spotted playing the sweetest music, guess on a Spanish guitar; the Spanish said that chances were so high that you’d meet one in your street disguised either as a lawyer, or a monk. Otherwise he’d be prostituting in the open.

Ok, so gather your files up and let’s visit court! For anyone who has ever been their, you know it well that only a judge can control a lawyer’s anger...Do you really want to think that after a date or so there won’t be sparks and angered feelings? God grant thee thy wishes for being so optimistic. But no, go to court first and change your name to “your honour” so as to control your lawyer friend’s ‘provoked’ anger! But remember a judge in his own cause is as bad as a lawyer defending himself against his own lies.

Yeah! And for heaven’s sake, from the strong sinful nature we have, hell may still be empty, recruiting massively but lawyers aren’t that afraid...they believe justice begun from Heaven and justice should not just prevail in all circumstances, but be seen to be done (even if it means twisting some evidence, withholding some facts, or formulating others). Yes, as long as the lawyer is paid, justice will always be done...even the Supreme Court may not be the limit, that; you could be my witness. The lawyer will tell you that in heaven, appeals are mandatory and if you lose, no need to worry...you’ll be sowing into God’s own Kingdom, by default.

“What does the Bible say?” the lawyer will ask you. Just don’t waste your time to dust up your Bible to find the verse. The lawyer has the verse off head and the exact answer is Chrysler clear; “God is Just.” I suppose just enough to punish sin...ignorance being of no defence, and you are no better sinned than a sinner...God does not discriminate, actually Jesus was partly crucified for being a friend of sinners.

So we are out of court, we could bet that lawyers will never tell you how much similar they are to wagon wheels; they need greasing all the way, even just to adjourn a case...you need as much! Yes, a man eateth where he worketh; who doesn’t know how much time a lawyer spent reading cases?
Well, if you are a ‘naughty’ citizen and you sometimes think that laws, like contracts are made to be broken, you may want to start searching for grease. I even don’t know which store sells grease. But go on, you may have a point...indeed there might be one good lawyer somewhere, go date and even marry them. Of course the aside is that, we all know the only good lawyer is the one who knows the law; the clever one will dash to the chambers ‘just to check on the judge’ (as you search for that case you overheard its name in class one day <>)...
You don’t need no judge in your family so why not date a ‘good lawyer’ or even marry one who can make a judge believe that sometimes when a court session becomes tense, his wig turns black or logically impedes his reasoning. In which case the judge will sympathise and exercise his unlimited discretion.

And when it comes to reason, it is believed that a lawyer’s opinion is worth nothing unless you have paid for it. Lawyers don’t love; basing on facts and circumstances, they form a specific and romantic opinion of you...of course they let you be the judge and many a time, you fall for them...Do you think you are really brilliant enough to figure out that the last time the Devil painted black a picture of a zebra; everyone to-date said it was black and white? Well, in a way or another, you may still pay for the love opinion the lawyer made of you. Worse still, when things turn out bad, the lawyer will tell you...each case should be considered according to its facts and (changing) circumstances and duh, only Obama can tell you how much the world can change, let alone America.

Enough of lawyers; I know a lady who says she loses count of how many times she turns guys’ heads every about a hundred metres she walks in a non-busy street. I felt it was exaggerated, so I jokingly asked her how she’d know if she herself didn’t turn her head...and perhaps why she turned if not to check out the stunning man...actually up-to now young ladies (in this case they lawyers should petition that such ladies be called gals) still claim that they can know how many guys turned their heads without them (gals) turning theirs...good magic certainly!

Anyway, as for you, when was the last time a lawyer looked at you twice? Try to recall the handbag you had, the suit you wore, the people you were with or the car you stepped out from. Good math, or is it history (I even don’t know); should tell you that there were calculated conflicts that would soon lead one of you to court and the lawyer who beheld would be your counsel (senior or junior, doesn’t matter the bill will always be the same or vary according to the brand of shoe polish used to shine his shoe! The ‘good’ lawyer would tell you, “hey, you remember that time...I wanted to caution you and tried winking at you but you didn’t seem to notice...” that will make you so happy that next time you want to boast around and will invite him to your friend’s wedding as “my lawyer” actually out of excitement you might say, “my canceller...” you only meant counsel.

Anyway, you must have come a long way to have dated a lawyer, to be seeing one or even to have married the good one you know. I sure trust you and your skills to have beaten down the toils of a ‘once student at law school’ person. You are brave and really smart, actually smarter and ‘liarer’ than the lawyers themselves. But I can tell you why?

It started with a simple chat, then the date with prospects of never-ending love. Before so long, you were sure that you were in love, totally in love. That’s why I am not surprised that you are secretly eying a lawyer, going out with one, or even much more that you said “I do” to a lawyer; supposedly a ‘good’ one. Truth is; you don’t have to be a genius to figure this out. It is simple; a person in love is smarter and schemes more than a hundred lawyers. This, any one could bet, is the only thing a lawyer should concede without appealing...Just as I’ll be resting my case in a while!

But perhaps I could excuse you for insisting; lawyers are as ordinary as any people downtown. And whereas they can make what is black white and white black (in your presence); lawyers are actually honest but perhaps more passionate about what they do and how they do it. They’ll go an extra mile to achieve what they want…and their determination hardly fades. They are always justifying the means with the end (save for times the client visits Gallows in which case the means will be justifying the end - solution, hire another lawyer to appeal against whatever you didn’t like). Besides, they have life outside court (though many times they use case-books for pillows). But still, you’ll have much to laugh and be happy about. So if all that be gold, why not go for it, despite what I told you? Lol!

Anyway, lawyers…in whichever way they come; some of them are geeks, others are beauties but most of them are smart, just simply smart, witty, intelligent and brave. They know when to play their cards and when to hide them. And when things are bad they sometimes display all their cards the wrong way and time. Other times, albeit most times they also become smart enough to reap from where they have not sowed; (from) people’s day to day negligence...where they’ll end up being dubbed, ‘misery befell me’ kind of creatures; a God-send punishment. You better be wary for it is believed that the law-maker must be severe and the executor of the same should be generous. A lawyer is neither, but knows both.

All I know about lawyers is; like frogs, they love water; but not boiling water! And they can always tell when the water is about to boil and make away, while every other frog, perhaps enchanted by its own voice, thinks that the long awaited summer shine has just begun.

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